Old Man Logan [REVIEW]

I'm not an avid comic book reader anymore. Not that comic books have gone down in quality (there's probably more creativity, engrossing characters, and moving story archs than ever), or quantity (God knows the comic industry just as many independents as it ever has) - it's just that the medium doesn't appeal to me like it used to. That, and I can just watch the movie.

Wait, wait, hold up - I know. The comic books are almost always better (what's up, Watchmen?!), and a greater amount of talent, and time goes into the original comic books than the adaption of them to the big screen. Plus, Hollywood has a tendency to fuck with our cherished superheroes. The World's Only Universally Hated Homosexual (even by homosexuals) Joel Schumacher absolutely destroyed Batman's reputation with Batman and Robin, Superman was over once they kicked Richard Donner off directorial duties, Spider-Man 3 was a giant clusterfuck because the studios pressured Raimi to add Venom, and the most recent Wolverine movie absolutely destroyed a handful of characters, including Gambit, Emma Frost, The Blob, and motherfucking Deadpool. The video game based on the movie was better than the movie for fuck's sake; that's just an oxymoron.

However, it takes less time, and effort, to watch a comic book adaption, and that suits my lazy ass perfectly. What does that have to do with this piece? Well, it takes a special type of comic book for me to really put forth the money and reading skills to actually give it the time of day it deserves. Old Man Logan is one of those special types of comics.

Written by Mark Millar (of Wanted and Kick-Ass notoriety), with art provided by Steve McGiven, Old Man Logan gives us the very familiar "bad-ass superhero far past his prime has to put away his Hoveround scooter and kick some superpowered ass." This concept's been done before with many other heroes, including Spider-Man, and more notably, Batman in Frank Miller(no relation)'s The Dark Knight Returns. Old Man Logan goes a bit deeper than the others though; the story laid here by Millar is easily one of the best I've ever read (hey, I used to read more).

Logan is no longer the animal known as Wolverine. Instead, he's an old farmer living with his family somewhere out in the desert that once was California. Living a normal life as a lowly rancher just trying to meet ends meet at the end of the day (that's a tongue twister); hard to imagine the cigar-chomping, prostitute fucking, motorcycle tumbling, adamantium-clawed samurai putting aside his nihilistic ways, marrying some normal bitch, having kids, and milking cows in a straw hat all day, but here, it works. Until his landlords, a bunch of Hills Have Eyes looking motherfuckers, come to collect their money, and Logan doesn't have; thus, our story begins.

Did I mention that these redneck scumlords were offspring of the Incredible Hulk? Or that the Incredible Hulk OWNS California? Or that the Incredible Hulk banged his own cousin, She-Hulk, because she was the only one capable of holding his sperm, thus creating GAMMA RADIATED IMBREDS? A whole fucking colony of them? Yeah, this gets even more fucked up, believe it or not.

"Ah shit."

So, it turns out that the supervillains have taken over the world, after eliminating every superhero but Logan and, for some reason, Hawkeye (I think that's just because Millar had so many "edgy ideas" for an old blind womanizer with perfect aim - he's like Ray Charles, if you replaced the piano and smile with an ugly purple suit and arrows).

In order to get the money to pay his rent, because apparently superhero social security isn't as outstanding as it once was, Logan has to help Hawkeye with a drug run as they go across country in Spider-Man's old buggie. It's far more bad-ass than it sounds. As you'll come to find out, the supervillains control a certain part of each territory in the United States. Hulk has California, Michael Clark Duncan's future offspring fulfills his destiny of becoming Kingpin, and he runs Nevada (after defeating Magneto for the title - a funny bit of unmentioned humor giving the guy who could hit jackpots for days fucking Las Vegas), Dr. Doom got the Bible Belt (heh), Norman Osborn got - something pretty insignificant, and Red Skull got New Babylon, our renamed nation's capitol. And this is where Logan and Hawkeye must travel.

So, this is essentially a road-trip in the vein of Zombieland (check that review!), Road Warrior, and Easy Rider, only with two insane superheros, and a Spider-Man painted jeep full of contraband, as they make their way across the country for a drop-off. There's so much more to it than than though; I honestly can't say much more than that without ruining the entire story. All I can say is, Logan was essentially hired to become Hawkeye's bodyguard on this quest, but in the last fifty years he's become a pacifist after an incredibly tense, and heartbreaking moment in the story that left the X-Men dead and the beast known as Wolverine retired; a moment which lead to this disaster of a country that the villains have taken over.

Many badass battles and stories follow, which include the Red Skull adorning his dead enemies "skin," a Symbiote-possessed T-Rex, and Bruce Banner beating the shit outta Logan, before finally getting pissed off, becoming the Hulk, and fucking eating Logan. There's some seriously depraved shit in this, as one might expec from Millar, but all of it reeks of epicness.

Epic.

So, yes, Old Man Logan is fucking awesome. It has re-invents most of the characters 50 years in the future, and all the characters are at their most in-depth, and interesting. The story has great pacing, and never loses a step. The art is beautiful, and McGiven deserves some real credit for so many amazing takes on classic characters. This comic packs so much punch, and you won't want to put it down once you pick it up. Go buy it now.