Old Man Logan [REVIEW]

I'm not an avid comic book reader anymore. Not that comic books have gone down in quality (there's probably more creativity, engrossing characters, and moving story archs than ever), or quantity (God knows the comic industry just as many independents as it ever has) - it's just that the medium doesn't appeal to me like it used to. That, and I can just watch the movie.

Wait, wait, hold up - I know. The comic books are almost always better (what's up, Watchmen?!), and a greater amount of talent, and time goes into the original comic books than the adaption of them to the big screen. Plus, Hollywood has a tendency to fuck with our cherished superheroes. The World's Only Universally Hated Homosexual (even by homosexuals) Joel Schumacher absolutely destroyed Batman's reputation with Batman and Robin, Superman was over once they kicked Richard Donner off directorial duties, Spider-Man 3 was a giant clusterfuck because the studios pressured Raimi to add Venom, and the most recent Wolverine movie absolutely destroyed a handful of characters, including Gambit, Emma Frost, The Blob, and motherfucking Deadpool. The video game based on the movie was better than the movie for fuck's sake; that's just an oxymoron.

However, it takes less time, and effort, to watch a comic book adaption, and that suits my lazy ass perfectly. What does that have to do with this piece? Well, it takes a special type of comic book for me to really put forth the money and reading skills to actually give it the time of day it deserves. Old Man Logan is one of those special types of comics.

Written by Mark Millar (of Wanted and Kick-Ass notoriety), with art provided by Steve McGiven, Old Man Logan gives us the very familiar "bad-ass superhero far past his prime has to put away his Hoveround scooter and kick some superpowered ass." This concept's been done before with many other heroes, including Spider-Man, and more notably, Batman in Frank Miller(no relation)'s The Dark Knight Returns. Old Man Logan goes a bit deeper than the others though; the story laid here by Millar is easily one of the best I've ever read (hey, I used to read more).

Logan is no longer the animal known as Wolverine. Instead, he's an old farmer living with his family somewhere out in the desert that once was California. Living a normal life as a lowly rancher just trying to meet ends meet at the end of the day (that's a tongue twister); hard to imagine the cigar-chomping, prostitute fucking, motorcycle tumbling, adamantium-clawed samurai putting aside his nihilistic ways, marrying some normal bitch, having kids, and milking cows in a straw hat all day, but here, it works. Until his landlords, a bunch of Hills Have Eyes looking motherfuckers, come to collect their money, and Logan doesn't have; thus, our story begins.

Did I mention that these redneck scumlords were offspring of the Incredible Hulk? Or that the Incredible Hulk OWNS California? Or that the Incredible Hulk banged his own cousin, She-Hulk, because she was the only one capable of holding his sperm, thus creating GAMMA RADIATED IMBREDS? A whole fucking colony of them? Yeah, this gets even more fucked up, believe it or not.

"Ah shit."

So, it turns out that the supervillains have taken over the world, after eliminating every superhero but Logan and, for some reason, Hawkeye (I think that's just because Millar had so many "edgy ideas" for an old blind womanizer with perfect aim - he's like Ray Charles, if you replaced the piano and smile with an ugly purple suit and arrows).

In order to get the money to pay his rent, because apparently superhero social security isn't as outstanding as it once was, Logan has to help Hawkeye with a drug run as they go across country in Spider-Man's old buggie. It's far more bad-ass than it sounds. As you'll come to find out, the supervillains control a certain part of each territory in the United States. Hulk has California, Michael Clark Duncan's future offspring fulfills his destiny of becoming Kingpin, and he runs Nevada (after defeating Magneto for the title - a funny bit of unmentioned humor giving the guy who could hit jackpots for days fucking Las Vegas), Dr. Doom got the Bible Belt (heh), Norman Osborn got - something pretty insignificant, and Red Skull got New Babylon, our renamed nation's capitol. And this is where Logan and Hawkeye must travel.

So, this is essentially a road-trip in the vein of Zombieland (check that review!), Road Warrior, and Easy Rider, only with two insane superheros, and a Spider-Man painted jeep full of contraband, as they make their way across the country for a drop-off. There's so much more to it than than though; I honestly can't say much more than that without ruining the entire story. All I can say is, Logan was essentially hired to become Hawkeye's bodyguard on this quest, but in the last fifty years he's become a pacifist after an incredibly tense, and heartbreaking moment in the story that left the X-Men dead and the beast known as Wolverine retired; a moment which lead to this disaster of a country that the villains have taken over.

Many badass battles and stories follow, which include the Red Skull adorning his dead enemies "skin," a Symbiote-possessed T-Rex, and Bruce Banner beating the shit outta Logan, before finally getting pissed off, becoming the Hulk, and fucking eating Logan. There's some seriously depraved shit in this, as one might expec from Millar, but all of it reeks of epicness.

Epic.

So, yes, Old Man Logan is fucking awesome. It has re-invents most of the characters 50 years in the future, and all the characters are at their most in-depth, and interesting. The story has great pacing, and never loses a step. The art is beautiful, and McGiven deserves some real credit for so many amazing takes on classic characters. This comic packs so much punch, and you won't want to put it down once you pick it up. Go buy it now.

Zombieland [REVIEW]

Excalibur and I are doing duel-reviews to kick off this blog on one of our favorite films in recent memory; Zombieland. Zombieland hit DVD, Blu-Ray, and PSP on February 2nd, after having a strong run in theaters in October 09, no doubt due to dropping in Halloween season and the zombie-hype that's all over the entertainment industry, from movies, to television, to video games, to music, to novels. Never before have zombies been in the limelight they are now, and the hype-machine behind them (more than likely pushed by video game Left 4 Dead than anything) is even more frightening than undead corpses walking the earth. Even though the market is oversaturated, zombies tend to bring out some the creators' creativity more often than not.

Zombie mania seemingly started with the Dawn of the Dead remake in 2004, and the accompanying Shaun of The Dead, which came out the same year. 28 Days Later was an earlier precursor, but only picked up its cult fanbase after these movies became such media darlings. Everything from novels like World War Z to video games like the aforementioned Left 4 Dead have filled Hollywood with the undead, and I'm not talking about Jack Nicholson or Morgan Freeman's animated corpses (God bless them). Zombies are also extremely popular amongst those scene kids, so anything attached to them is sure to do numbers. Enter Zombieland, a movie that does for teen-comedies what Shaun of the Dead did for romantic ones.

Jesse Eisenberg and Woody Harrelson star in this movie as the nervous, WoW-playing, Code Red drinking virgin and insane, Dale Earnhart-worshipping, Twinkie-idolizing, zombie-slaughtering redneck, respectively. While their characters may sound like stereotypes (in some weird alternate universe where those type of people don't exist - where that is, I'd like you to point me), they're firmly rooted in reality (even though this movie defies it), and three-dimensional. They're living, breathing human beings; just like you or me. Though, hopefully with less of a twinkie obsession, or more than a refrigerator full of Code Red. That shit ain't a healthy diet.

Eisenberg is Colombus, and he's our narrator in this film; a nervous-wreck of a young man who has only survived this long because he's afraid of virtually everything. He's come up with his own set of rules for survival in Zombieland, which includes everything from wearing your seatbelts, running like a bat out of hell, and blowing a zombie's brains out more than once for reassurance. Eisenberg is absolutely hilarious in this role, and for everyone calling him a Michael Cera imposter, he's far more than that. Cera could've never pulled off this role as absolutely flawlessly as Eisenberg did. I'm admittedly a little late on Eisenberg's bandwagon, having only become a fan after Adventureland, but this film makes me wanna go back and watch Roger Dodger as soon as possible.

Woody Harrelson, of Natural Born Killers fame, is Tallahasse; easily the most memorable character in any genre of film in a long time. He's insane, he's expertly skilled at killing zombies, he loves Bill Murray (who doesn't?), Dale Earnhart (never mentioned, but he paints every vehicle with a 3 in his memory), twinkies (he'll kill for a twinkie; literally), and he's doing this all because he lost his puppy (it'll make more sense when you watch the film). As absolutely absurd as his character sounds, and is, he's forever believable in Zombieland. This is the role of a lifetime for Harrelson, who only recently returned to prominence, and this film'll definitely keep him there. No one could've done Tallahasse the justice that Harrelson does in this film.

The two girls in this film are also portrayed excellently, the older of these two sisters being the gorgeous Emma Stone, who plays the femme-fatale character of Wichita. She helps keep a serious tone in the film when everyone else is getting completely lost in all the insanity; her little sister, Little Rock, is played by Abigail Breslin, of Little Miss Sunshine fame. She's the typical highly-intelligent smart-ass kid that movies need more, and her character plays a great contrast to Tallahasse in the scenes they're in together, showing their chemistry.

Bill fucking Murray has the greatest use of a cameo in a movie possibly ever, and helps elevate this film to the cult-status it's sure to gain; I won't spoil any details, but his small part provides the best five minutes of cinema in recent memory, and keeps classic movies fresh in a new generation's, who may've missed them, minds.

The direction, provided by first-timer, Ruben Fleischer, is on-point; few missteps, and everything just falls into place at every point of the film. The story, written by the duo of Rett Reese and Paul Wernick, is sharp, witty, and just all around fantastic. They're working on the upcoming Deadpool film, and if it's even half as brilliantly written as Zombieland is, it'll be everything fanboys have been craving. The cast is perfect, the settings are outstanding, and absolutely visually outstanding. The action sequences are flawless, and even the rare moments of suspence are done to perfection. I would point out some flaws if I could find them, but I really can't. Everything about this film just feels right.

Zombieland is easily one of my favorite films in this decade; it's a fun loving movie in a genre that can tend to take itself far too seriously. Lighthearted, but never corny. It has a perfect sense of comedic time, the right blend of action mixed in, and even some horror moments to get the point across that this is a fucking zombie apocalpse make Zombieland exceed in all areas.

I could gush about this film for hours, and paragraphs, but for now, I believe this is enough. Watch Zombieland. Then watch it again, because I assure you, one time isn't enough. In a world full of zombies (literally and figuratively), at least in film, I believe Zombieland sits as king.